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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I should be sleepin'

Do you ever have those nights when you know you should be sound asleep but instead your mind it going like a million miles a second? That is like my every night. I have a constant to do list and a replay of every second of my life going through my head each night when my head hits the pillow. When I do actually fall asleep I usually walk in my sleep so I'm kind of screwed either way.

So you're probably wondering what is on my mind right? I mean if you are still reading my post you must be genuinely curious. The answer is I don't know. I've been thinking about this migrant debate and it bothers me. I'm not sure I'm on a side but it bothers me. I hurt for the people. For the children who have no say in any of it and for everyone involved. Today I noticed a large police presence in an area that is home to a migrant camp not far from where I live. I'm fairly certain they were/did raid it. None of it seems right. We are all humans. It just seems to me that the entire world is spinning out of control. I saw on the news that there were protestors at funerals in like Kentucky or Tennessee and their message was that the soldiers dying in Iraq were because of God's unhappiness with gays and lesbians. I don't even know what to say about that. Again, it hurts me. I am the type of person who cries when I watch the news and lately I'm crying a lot.

Closer to home there is the uncertainty of whether my husband or my mom or anyone for that matter will have a job a year from now. How does one live day to day not feeling any type of security about their financial future. I am for the most part a stay at home mom trying to get a home based business off the ground. I have gone so far as to start a second home based business to supplement the first one. I've got two boys that will be 6 next week and right now I can't do a full time job and afford day care. We've got it better then a lot of people and yet we really struggle. I know that God will provide but there is a constant battle between my head and my heart and for some reason it rages most mightily in the darkest hours. No surprise there, huh?

Is it possible to feel sad and content at the same time? I am such a cornucopia of emotions most of the time and tonight I feel a heavy sense of sadness for the world and for the losses that always seem so close. I sit here thinking about my family and this sigh of contentedness escapes from within me. I have this overwhelming desire to hold them close as though tomorrow may never come.

I was listening to a podcast today and it had to do with memories and how everything is a memory except this very small moment in the present. Obviously you have your dreams of tomorrow but your reality is your past. I'm not sure I'm really making memories that will mean anything to me down the line. I'm not sure how logical that actually sounds. I am a professional procrastinator and I want so much to change. I want my boys to have a treasure chest of memories to look back on with fondness. How does one accomplish that?

Funny how in my attempt to rid my mind of excess thoughts I have instead landed upon a bigger dilemma. I know this is suppose to be a blog about knitting and I rarely talk about it. I apologize. I know some of you will tell me I don't need to and absolutely shouldn't apologize, it is, after all, my blog. Still I hope to pull my life together enough to begin sharing my knitting adventure with all of my loyal readers. Thanks for listening and God Bless!

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