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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I should be sleepin'

Do you ever have those nights when you know you should be sound asleep but instead your mind it going like a million miles a second? That is like my every night. I have a constant to do list and a replay of every second of my life going through my head each night when my head hits the pillow. When I do actually fall asleep I usually walk in my sleep so I'm kind of screwed either way.

So you're probably wondering what is on my mind right? I mean if you are still reading my post you must be genuinely curious. The answer is I don't know. I've been thinking about this migrant debate and it bothers me. I'm not sure I'm on a side but it bothers me. I hurt for the people. For the children who have no say in any of it and for everyone involved. Today I noticed a large police presence in an area that is home to a migrant camp not far from where I live. I'm fairly certain they were/did raid it. None of it seems right. We are all humans. It just seems to me that the entire world is spinning out of control. I saw on the news that there were protestors at funerals in like Kentucky or Tennessee and their message was that the soldiers dying in Iraq were because of God's unhappiness with gays and lesbians. I don't even know what to say about that. Again, it hurts me. I am the type of person who cries when I watch the news and lately I'm crying a lot.

Closer to home there is the uncertainty of whether my husband or my mom or anyone for that matter will have a job a year from now. How does one live day to day not feeling any type of security about their financial future. I am for the most part a stay at home mom trying to get a home based business off the ground. I have gone so far as to start a second home based business to supplement the first one. I've got two boys that will be 6 next week and right now I can't do a full time job and afford day care. We've got it better then a lot of people and yet we really struggle. I know that God will provide but there is a constant battle between my head and my heart and for some reason it rages most mightily in the darkest hours. No surprise there, huh?

Is it possible to feel sad and content at the same time? I am such a cornucopia of emotions most of the time and tonight I feel a heavy sense of sadness for the world and for the losses that always seem so close. I sit here thinking about my family and this sigh of contentedness escapes from within me. I have this overwhelming desire to hold them close as though tomorrow may never come.

I was listening to a podcast today and it had to do with memories and how everything is a memory except this very small moment in the present. Obviously you have your dreams of tomorrow but your reality is your past. I'm not sure I'm really making memories that will mean anything to me down the line. I'm not sure how logical that actually sounds. I am a professional procrastinator and I want so much to change. I want my boys to have a treasure chest of memories to look back on with fondness. How does one accomplish that?

Funny how in my attempt to rid my mind of excess thoughts I have instead landed upon a bigger dilemma. I know this is suppose to be a blog about knitting and I rarely talk about it. I apologize. I know some of you will tell me I don't need to and absolutely shouldn't apologize, it is, after all, my blog. Still I hope to pull my life together enough to begin sharing my knitting adventure with all of my loyal readers. Thanks for listening and God Bless!


At Tuesday, May 09, 2006 7:13:00 PM, Blogger Leslie Shelor said...

The world is a frightening and confusing place these days; I stay as peaceful as I can but I still get all wrought up about things. All I know to do is hold on to what feels secure; family, friends, and spinning!

At Saturday, May 27, 2006 1:17:00 AM, Blogger Kimberly said...

Hoping all is well with you and your family.

I think we all get a little contemplative when we face the unknown. Sounds like you're taking your concerns to God which is the right thing to do.

Wishing your strength, joy, and peace.

At Tuesday, June 06, 2006 1:26:00 PM, Blogger Diana said...

One way to create fond memories for children is through tradition. Several of our traditions (when our kids were at home and young) included going apple picking every fall, Christmas eve opening one present (and it was always new flannel pajamas to wear to bed that night), going out for dessert after their art show at school.... and so on and so on. These were things we did as "tradition" never missing a beat. The kids are away at college and still talk and laugh about those things.

At Wednesday, June 07, 2006 8:35:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I just found your blog and share a lot of similarities. I signed up with flylady.net and although it may seem unrelated, it really helped me have less chaos and more peace in my life. Check it out, it is free!

At Friday, June 16, 2006 1:08:00 PM, Blogger Karen said...

I can really relate. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get overwhelmed between the realization of how much the Lord means to me and my daily struggles to absorb and learn the lessons He is trying to teach me. The process has been heart wrenching. In the early years of my Christian walk, I had many shattering knocks, but I am more pliable and teachable now which is a measure of my progress. The hardest part is when you have to stand back and allow the Lord to work in your children (I have five).
I have learned that your cannot escape 'THE PROCESS'. Like gold is refined by fire, it is needed to change you IF YOU WANT TO BE LIKE HIM, which is our ultimate goal. How would you understand to have compassion, if you did not have the homeless, the orphaned, the downtrodden.....how would you exercise patience, if there was no incident to try it.... What we perceive as evil in the world, can also produce good depending on our response to it. If we see hunger, we can feed the hungry. If we see there is unlove, we can love and accept unconditionally and in doing this, we change and become MORE LIKE HIM.

I have now begun to embrace every situation and instead I ask the Lord, "What is it you are teaching me through this situation?"

He is delighted to answer me and change me once again. I know I still have a long way to go, but we are all a work in progress, so take heart for we have His promise that He will never leave us or forsake us.

God Bless



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