It's me again...

2:16am and I'm still up. Today has been a roller coaster ride. I know my update earlier was positive and I'm keeping hope alive, but things aren't good. My Grandma "took a turn for the worse" in my dad's words. Her oxygen saturation is 72% when it should be like 100%. She's vomiting, and last night they were suppose to do something for her breathing when she slept but they didn't and now she needs a ventilator to help her breathe. She was suppose to be taken from Monticello to Pine Bluff around 11pm. That was the last time I was able to speak to my dad.

I feel like I've cried every tear that I could possibly have. I keep thinking that if I just stay busy enough I won't think about it. I'm afraid to sleep. You see, when I'm stressed I walk in my sleep and talk in my sleep and I've been known to cry in my sleep. I just feel like I should be doing something. It's so hard not being there. Like my knitting in some waiting room will make a difference, right? It's dumb, I know. Try telling my heart. It's just not listening to reason tonight.

Someone left a comment about how lucky I was to have had my grandparents around. You are absolutely right. I was lucky. I didn't lose a grandparent until I was 17 years old. As lucky as I was, that doesn't stop me from wanting to have another day. One more phone call. To be able to tell her that I love her. A hug. To just sit with her and hold her hand. To smell her scent. I know everyone has someone that they feel this way about.

It all seems so inconsequential. I mean there are people all over the world who are suffering and we just go on about our day. I mean I'm not a mother of an 18 year old that is risking his or her life in Iraq, fighting a war that is over. I'm not a child in Africa starving or watching my parents die of AIDS. I'm not a tourist that lost half of their family to a tsunami and had to walk away without even a body. I'm just a woman who feels lost tonight, waiting and wondering. Helpless to stop this out of control desperation, this feeling that my world is spinning out of control. It's almost more than I can take.